Essays by Ava Love Hanna
So the other night I had this dream that I was somehow entangled with religious fundamentalists and I was told to gather a few things that were really important to me before we all climbed onto a big tour bus. So there I was, crying and clutching my wedding ring, a manila folder full of papers… and a coffee maker... That sounds about right, I *do* love coffee (and manila folders).
He wanted to ride the carousel at the mall. He’s five now, so I got on with him intending only to help him find an animal and climb up. The carousel was old and small, and wobbled as everyone climbed aboard. I put him on top of a brown horse with a flowing mane and wild eyes -- It was a good fit.
I am standing in a museum surrounded by marble statues of people from worlds long gone; they are echoes of some other unreal time. History is like that to me, it never feels real. I pick a bench in a sunny, windowed corner to sit and write. I've come here to try to dispel the dark clouds that have been chasing me this week
Earlier this year, I was chosen to read an essay about motherhood as a member of the 2013 cast of the Listen to Your Mother Show. It was an amazing night full of wonderful stories by talented writers all celebrating motherhood. I was so honored to be a member of the cast this year. Here is the video of me reading my essay, The Vagina-Mommy Incident. It's about the time I thought it would be a good idea to tell Kai the proper name for our genitals and how great that went
Seeing as how today is the first day of summer, I feel it would be appropriate to celebrate this day by saying, omg, I can’t stand summer. I’m not a fan of summer for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I get SAD in the summer. Seasonal Affective Disorder (or its cutesy acronym SAD) is depression that occurs during certain times of the year. Most people who have the disorder get it in the winter because it gets dark and they get mopey and are all, Maaaaaan, I miss summer, and I’m like, Whatever losers! Woo Hoo! Dark and cold rocks! Let’s run naked through the woods! - right in their sad faces.
One day I thought I would teach my son the proper name for genitals... he ended up calling me Vagina-Mommy. Probably should have seen that coming...
His first word was mama. Actually, it was probably something more like mmm mmm mmm, but I totally knew what he meant. Soon, it became a clear ma ma with a cute little pause between the syllables. I loved hearing it.
It was 6:30 am. 6:30 in. the. morning. It was dark outside. Birds were sleeping. I should have been sleeping… instead I was sitting in bed trying to shake off the delirium from having been awoken suddenly in the middle of a dream and trying to comprehend why I was holding a half transformed Optimus Prime toy. A few inches from my face were the big bright wide awake eyes of my four year old. “Do it mommy! Transform him back into a truck!”
Yesterday I was sitting in the living room eating a protein bar. Kai was eyeing it so I asked him if he would like one too. He’s five now, so of course his answer wasn’t just “yes,” instead he told me to wait there and he would go to the kitchen by himself and get his own snack. Of course. Because being five means that you do everything yourself even the things you shouldn’t attempt and of course all of the things that make his father and I think, oh my god why is he trying to do that himself doesn’t he know he’s only five?? Independence is awesome. Bull headed independence with no experience or wisdom to back it up is terrifying. Five might give me a heart attack.
I was packing for a family trip back to Houston. The commencement ceremony for my Master’s degree was the next morning and I had decided to participate. I was torn between feelings of both pride at my accomplishment and dread at wearing the regalia when I heard a faint cry from my son’s bathroom. “Mommy…. Mommy, I need you.” I dropped the gown and hood and ran into his bathroom to find him sitting on the toilet looking pale.