Saints and Starbucks

So the other night I had this dream that I was somehow entangled with religious fundamentalists and I was told to gather a few things that were really important to me before we all climbed onto a big tour bus. So there I was, crying and clutching my wedding ring, a manila folder full of papers… and a coffee maker…  That sounds about right, I *do* love coffee (and manila folders).

The first time I ever spoke publicly about my Mormon background and leaving the church

Reading this essay at Testify’s “Coming Clean” Show – the first time I’ve ever spoken publicly about my Mormon background and leaving the church.

But I feel bad talking about my love of coffee; I’m not supposed to like it. While it might be a normal part of your day and there’s a Starbucks on every corner, I was raised Mormon and coffee was strictly off limits. It’s a part of the Word of Wisdom, a dietary code for Mormons that forbids coffee, tea, alcohol, and drugs. You know, all the fun stuff. Heck, I only tried coffee for the first time a couple of years ago, and maaaaaan is it awesome. But again, I feel bad. It’s the Mormon thing. I wasn’t just raised Mormon, I have profoundly Mormon roots.  My ancestors were pioneers who left Scotland to travel across the country and build the temple in Salt Lake. I’m even related to a Mormon prophet.  I tried being Mormon as an adult, I really did, and it just didn’t work for me. Our ideas on things are just too different. So, sometimes I feel okay that I tried to be Mormon and it didn’t work out, and then there’s other times that I know I’m disappointing people and that makes me feel pretty bad…until I have another cup of coffee.

To be honest, I never really fit in as a Mormon. I often felt like I was putting on an act. I’m a performer, so I fell into that role. I wasn’t Ava I was Mormon-Ava… and it was exhausting. I was unhappy all the time and felt restricted. I like to wear jeans, not skirts, and I like to cuss. I felt like I was always trying not to say fuck. One time I’m pretty sure I said bitch in front of the bishop and he pretended not to hear me. It takes a lot of energy to image manage all the time… mistakes will be made.

I discovered the joys of coffee in grad school. I was the mother of a small child and was working on my Master’s thesis – in poetry, because I apparently hate the idea of having a career that makes money- and I was as anxious and depressed as…. A poet. I started therapy and talked about my ocd, my exhaustion, my inability to concentrate. We discussed the possibility that I had untreated ADD and my therapist recommended I try a small cup of coffee. Huh? Ok. I went home and announced to my husband that I was going to Starbucks. I ordered a salted caramel mocha Frappuccino… I know, right? It’s just a caffeinated milkshake, but it was coffee, real coffee. I drank it nervously and waited. Aaaaaand, it was awesome. I wrote 10 pages that night and felt calmer than I had in years.

I don’t know the exact science of it, but for some reason, coffee calms me down and reduces my anxiety. It got me through my master’s degree, it makes me a better parent, a better person, and it helps my high strung type A personality find peace. It has enriched my life without needing more therapy or having to resort to psychiatric drugs. It also has made me feel like a grown up for the first time in my life. Allowing myself to drink it was like a rite of passage.

Coffee had become a symbol for me of all that is mature and grown up. But, I’m still new to it, and I’m paranoid that other people will see that. When I’m at the coffee bar at Whole Foods, I feel like I’m being watched. I try to act nonchalant as I add half and half or casually stir in sugar, but inside I’m thinking Is this right? I feel like maybe there are these unspoken commandments of coffee that were delivered to everyone else by Juan Valdez and his enchanted donkey when he magically appeared in a field of coffee… vines? trees? bushes? Look, I don’t even know how that stuff grows.

The first time I tried to order coffee through a drive-thru and the server asked me how many sugars and creams I wanted, I almost started crying. It was a Chick-fil-a (don’t judge me; I was in the middle of nowhere and I was willing to momentarily ignore their views on gay marriage in order to get coffee.) I told the kid I wanted 6 cream and 7 sugar, because that sounded like a reasonable number… but then I hear him frantically whispering to a coworker, she wants 6 cream and 7 sugar!! Can we even do that?? Seriously? I felt like an idiot, and I still don’t know what the deal was with that number. If anyone can tell me the magic answer to that question, I would appreciate it because I DON’T KNOW and pretty much avoid drive-thru coffee.

Drinking coffee was a point of no return for me.  I remember sitting and sipping a cup at home before anyone else had woken up. It was quiet and I was feeling happy and proud of everything I had done that year, of who I was becoming… when I suddenly had a pang of sadness. I looked at the cup in my hand and realized that it meant that there was no going back, not this time. Coffee is non-negotiable in the Mormon Church. It was becoming normal to me, a welcome part of my morning, and yet I couldn’t talk about it, which felt odd. Something so ordinary was illicit. I couldn’t share this part of my life with people who had previously been important to me, people who had been at my wedding or had been there for the birth of my son. Willingly disobeying the Word of Wisdom meant that I was no longer temple worthy and that I risked alienating family and friends because of this one thing. Yet, I wasn’t willing to give it up… and I wondered what that said about me as a person? I had various Jack Mormon friends over the years who would attempt to excuse an occasional glass of wine by joking that hey even Jesus had turned water into wine (in one of his coolest party tricks ever), but sadly, I couldn’t justify this choice the same way. Jesus never turned anything into coffee, or at least no one wrote about it.

In the Mormon culture there are a couple of different subsets of members. I come from both kinds. My mom is a convert. Being a convert in the Mormon Church is a bit like coming from Muggle parents. Often time converts are pretty cool because they bring with them memories of what it was like outside of the bubble. My mom drank coffee, smoked cigarettes, and had a whole other life before she met my dad and joined the church. On the other end is my dad’s side: pioneer stock, born in the covenant, always been Mormon types, whom I affectionately refer to as AlwaysMorms and who have never in their entire lives strayed from the Word of Wisdom. Imagine dealing with a staunch AlwaysMorm Bishop who has never tried coffee. Try explaining to him how it helps you with OCD, depression, and was even recommended to you by both your doctor and therapist. He either won’t or can’t understand and sees it simply as disobedience. And while I applaud his ability to strictly abide by his chosen code, I knew there was a danger in allowing myself to be led by someone who had no possibility of ever relating to me.

I try to avoid conflict, especially when it involves big life altering things and existential issues, so I did nothing. I just stopped going to church. I don’t say that I’m Mormon, but I’m not Not-Mormon. I never un-became Mormon, there’s a process and involves writing letters and talking to people, and I’m just not up to it, so I basically just stopped going to church and started drinking coffee… and this is the first time I’ve ever really spoken publicly about that, aside from a few accidental facebook posts. And I think maybe that’s the most passive aggressive way that you can leave a faith is to start doing something that’s against what that faith believes and then just make a mention of it on facebook. And that’s where I am. I don’t know what I am. I certainly don’t make Mormons happy, but I’m not Anti-Mormon enough to make people who have left the church happy. I feel hopelessly caught in the middle all because of a cup of coffee…

Wait, no, not because of coffee, not really, right? Coffee is just a symptom of a bigger issue.

I got tired… tired of never feeling good enough, of being told what to eat and drink and wear, of being warned that my failures or my disobedience would lead me to be separated from my family in the afterlife. I stopped pretending to be perfect and I stopped believing in God, or at least that version of God. I just stopped.

So that’s where I’m at, and I’m either a really really bad Mormon, or just a normal person who drinks coffee… it depends on your perspective really. And so that’s why I’m talking about this. I’m tired of hiding who I am. I’m tired of feeling like a disobedient child. I want to claim my life and my adulthood. I’m coming out so that hopefully I can leave behind the people who will judge me or shun me based on their preconceived ideas and standards of acceptable behavior. Instead, I want to welcome in people who will get to know me, the real me, based on the choices that make me healthy and happy and I can welcome those people into my life and let them accept me fully… coffee breath and all.

Ava Love Hanna

Ava Love Hanna

Ava Love Hanna is a writer and performer living in Austin, Texas. She really, really wants you to use the Oxford comma.
Ava Love Hanna

Latest posts by Ava Love Hanna (see all)

14 Comments

  1. I LOVE this. My husband is a former practicing Mormon, who also never went about the process to un-become Mormon. We drink a ton of coffee over here.
    Leigh Ann recently posted…get me a standing desk, STATMy Profile

  2. I feel in love with this post. I am married into a Catholic Family……out of all of them….I am the only rebel and remain in limbo. I was never raised in a faith, but I believe in God. So, sitting through (and standing and kneeling) a Catholic service makes me feel like an intruder. I don’t really belong their and don’t understand their processes.
    I may need to get a cup of coffee and figure this out.

  3. I don’t have much in my background where I can relate to this, but I was captivated anyway. Such a good piece of writing, thank you for sharing it.
    Skye @ Planet Jinxatron recently posted…Oh sure, deflect my ire with science jokes…My Profile

  4. Mormons are taught to be binary – me/not me. Then they are taught that anything that is Not Me is bad (and most likely going to Hell or slated to be their servant in heaven. I once had a Mormon friend actually tell me Mother Teresa would be her servant in heaven because Mother Teresa was non-Mormon – couldn’t even acknowledge that MT was Catholic in the conversation – she could only be framed to Mormonism.).

    Hence, a really good child who is not Mormon is confusing to them and makes them angry while a bad Mormon child is immediately forgiven with myriad excuses made for their behavior. It’s embedded in their language and their actions so they don’t even see it (just like a fish would never notice he lives in water as it is just “what is”).

    Don’t believe me? How many other religions “sort” people by the me/not me binary? I have never ever heard someone say, “oh, he’s non-Catholic.” They usually say, “oh, he’s Presbyterian.” Acknowledging that Not Me is actually something else rather than nothing at all. So I understand your dilemma.

    As a child of an AlwaysMorm you got a heavy dose of Me/Not Me but as a child of a converted Mormon you have some notion of Not Me being something rather than nothing (or so I would guess).

    So living in the Twilight Zone (i.e., a sort of Mormon who drinks coffee) confers on you the privilege of being Me and, honestly, more easily forgiven (or viewed as a good person) for your coffee drinking. With that said, being a coffee drinking Mormon in a Mormon community is “better for you” than not being a Mormon at all. BUT being a Mormon in other communities won’t really matter in the same way. Check out your community – see who you want to be and – understanding this – be that person. Mormons will judge you for drinking coffee but they will shun you for no longer choosing to be a Me (because, of course, you are now a Not Me). If someone calls you a Jack-Mormon, correct them. Tell them you are Mormon as much as they are; that you just don’t know what rule they are breaking….yet. hahaha

    Hope this makes life easier. (And if you go to a drive-through, don’t ask for more than 4 each of coffee and cream. Or tell them you want twelve so you can laugh at them freaking out!)

    • You make such great point about the me/not me scenarios. It’s true that I was raised to think in terms of Mormon / Not Mormon… and I didn’t even realize it. I’m moving towards Not Mormon and it’s a whole new world. Lots of things to see with new eyes. And THANK YOU for the drive through advice! The magic number is 4! I will ask for 4!!

  5. I love this post. I found you through Leigh Ann. We were talking about coffee and Mormons the other day. I am Mormon and, while I don’t drink coffee, I dream of it because I LOOOVE the smell 😉
    It makes me so sad that there was so much black and white for you. I think that the Lord sees a lot of gray, and understands your heart more than anything. I understand your feelings completely, but think you should be a lot more gentle and forgiving of yourself.
    You are a non-practicing Mormon who loves her coffee. So what? Are you a good person? Ok, then you’re okay 😉
    Kim recently posted…RootsMy Profile

  6. I’m a friend of Kim’s. This post made me laugh. Only a Mormon Who becomes an inactive Mormon and discovers a love of coffee at the shame it can make you feel could possibly understand the words that are written on this page. I went through a 10-year phase of being really pissed off at God and in all things Mormon and of course I immediately started gluggling every cup of Starbucks I could get my hands on and I really loved it. I have slowly gone back to the church but I’m about to chill a Mormon as you can get. I still struggle with the smell wafted at me through conference hotels and in Starbucks when I Drive by but in the end it’s not really a big deal. (Besides, I just line up in the morning at the gas station with eleventyhundred other people buying Mormon Coffee…err…Diet Coke). As for the whole Mormon thing, I say whatever makes you feel closer to God go for it. You’ll be fine.

  7. I loved your honesty in this post, Ava. I know very little about the Mormon faith, but I am right there with you in terms of chafing against the black and white. I stopped going to church when I was 11, and I haven’t found the right fit since – because the God I believe in is so much more forgiving and kind and loving than most churches make him out to be. And I really believe that he doesn’t give a damn if we drink coffee or not (pun intended).
    Great job.

    • Kristin,
      Thank you! It took me a very long time to come to terms with what I do/do not believe… and even longer to give myself permission to talk about it. And, puns are always awesome!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*

CommentLuv badge